Is there an adult present? If not, use the ”Toilet Method”

At a recent leadership conference organised by Væksthus for Ledelse, we revisited an old but still relevant theory: transactional analysis. When we asked the leaders at the conference, “When you come under pressure and lose your composure – where do you usually end up?”, the answer was clear:

Most respondents said they ended up in the critical parent – they take charge, set the direction and make demands. Some moved towards the caring parent, which takes extra care of its staff. Fewer became the well-adjusted child, who are trying to do the right thing, and only a very few ended up in the free child, which becomes more playful, impulsive and perhaps even anarchic.

In short: when the pace picks up, the parent takes over. This is understandable – but it is also a reminder of how quickly responsibility and the pace of life can push us away from curiosity and equality.

What brings us back to the adult perspective?

When the managers were asked what helps them get back into their role as adults, the answers sounded like a collective sigh of humanity: “Time”, “Sparring”, “Someone listening”, “A walk”, “A cup of coffee”, “Fresh air and loud music in the car”, “A trip to the North Sea”, ”Remembering that it’s OK not to be OK”, “Yoga”, and finally: 

”Use the toilet method. No one will bat an eyelid if you (even as a manager) say you need to go for a wee.”

The answers may have differed in form – but were the same in essence: what brings us back to a mature perspective is time, reflection and relationships. This is an important reminder – not just for leaders, but for everyone working in a field where the pace and the responsibilities can easily throw us off balance. Because when we take the time to think, share and listen, we are already on our way back to that mature position.